Run Mad As Often As You Choose...

Because of the new TOS, I moved the journal I've had for almost 14 years from LJ to here yesterday.

I feel really sad about, although, since LJ was mostly dead anyway, it's not as crushing as it would once have been. I really miss, and have missed for some time, the LJ community that once was. It saved my life more than once. I'm sad to leave it behind.

I don't know how many of my old friends are over here, but I was Samhain_Punk on LJ.

My cattens make an appearance in this one and do some tricks for tasty, tasty chicken.

Went to the Lake District Friday and came back Sunday.

I climbed some mountains and almost had a full blown panic attack on the side of a cliff. Nasty weather, which I would have enjoyed had I not been clinging to a rock, made my imagined tumble down the side of the mountain seem even more imminent. I continue to be terrified of heights, something I try not to let bother me when I happen to be on one. It doesn't always work. I go climbing because I know I shouldn't let fear stop me but the activity is one that I can only enjoy retrospectively, after I have returned safely to flat land and my limbs have ceased shaking.

Saturday, I did something that was a little wankeriffic. I read back through my journal entries for the last two years. I don't remember what prompted me to do that but reading all those entries made me realise that things have been kind of crap for me these last two years. I've gone through a lot of things that were very hurtful to my psyche and, it seemed, most of those things happened in series. It wasn't enough for one bad thing to happen, I had to have chains of bad things.

Now, saying all that, I'm not looking for sympathy or "hugs" because I know that a lot of those horrible things were precipitated by my own actions. Not all of them, but enough. However, seeing all the stuff that I've gone through I finally understood how it is that I've come to be so isolated. Starting in October of last year, I really began to gradually withdraw myself from everything. I stopped going out with most of the people I know. I stopped going for happy little walks around Cambridge. I stopped participating in almost every online forum that I was involved in. I stopped being a player in my own life.

I knew that I was doing it. I did. I just didn't understand why. I couldn't parse why I suddenly hated almost everyone, why I couldn't be bothered to put up with the slightest bit of trifling from people. I just knew that I was sick of all of it.

I guess it helps me to know how I got like this. It doesn't fix any of it, but at least I can see that this behaviour isn't necessarily a permanent change in my personality but akin to a turtle going into it's shell after things have become threatening. The way I am right now is the response to the aggregation of two years of bullshit.

Already, I can feel myself starting to get a little better. For one, I'm posting here again. For two, I've been leaving the house somewhat regularly. I don't really hang out with anyone because, still, I can't stand most of the people I know but I don't really care about that part.

The only thing I wonder about is if I've missed my chance to really ever have long-lasting relationships with people. Is it something wrong with me that I can't seem to find people that don't give up on friendship at the slightest hint of disagreement or turbulence? Is it that I am drawn to the wrong kind of people? Am I really just that off-putting? I keep trying to tell myself that I haven't found my tribe yet, but that they are out there, somewhere. I hope that's not wishful thinking.